Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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