I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
