I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
