and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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