Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
