I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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