either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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