DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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