Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
