I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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