people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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