i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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