I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
