I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
