umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
