Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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