the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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