I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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