Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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