and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
