my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
