I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
from now on my penis is your penis
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
