I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
