two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
