My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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