the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?