I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot