We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.