we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen