i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Come see our sink grown plant.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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