I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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