HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
