when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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