I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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