You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
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throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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