i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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