grandma shit on top of the toilet
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
