to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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