my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize