Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize
