I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
