He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
