The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
