thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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