Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
