listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
