Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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