YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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