so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
