Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
