Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
