The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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