New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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