i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i dont even know how to be here
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
