I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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