Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
