I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
