seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
