I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
