i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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