I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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