she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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