I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Two words: blizzard sex
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Your penis caused this!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
