I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
