So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
