i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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