I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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