I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
