I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
